Nairn’s Own Charlie

By Cyrus Alexander

Huv ye ever heard ae anyhing as wild 

As a cult leader Scotsman?

Tannin’ Buckie to keep ye in line

Keepin’ ye fed and full ae shine

He’d huv a big castle in Nairn

Wae plenty ae bonnie wives

Sellin’ dud Irn-Bru for cash

And takin’ absolutely nae snash

They’d aww worship Rabbie Burns

And pray tae him daily

Singin’ “Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!”

Til’ they wur blue in the face

Fur tea it wid be haggis and Scotch

Wae Mackie’s fur afters

Makin’ everyhing oot ae tartan

N dancin’ wae some bloke cawd Martin

Nae tunes except Bits N Pieces

And maybe a bit ae Biffy

Takin’ Glesga by storm oan a Seturday night

Tryin’ no tae set the danceflair alight

Noo read this n tell me

In wan honest word

Wid it no set yer heart a-prancin’

Havin’ a Scottish Charlie Manson?

I am a Scottish writer based in Glasgow. Having written for various journalistic publications about science fiction and technology, I now find myself branching out into creative fiction. I am endlessly fascinated by ancient and contemporary history, and the weird and wonderful stories scattered throughout—from Troy’s Trojan horses to L.A.’s comet-riding cults. Nothing is stranger than real life, and it is that sort of realist surrealism I try to bring to my writing.


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