Job Interview

By Nicholas Starkey

I think I would be a great part of your 

Workspace.

… 

Because I work fantastically as an 

individual, 

and as part of a team. Think 

of me as a gorilla… or an ape.

… 

I am very professional 110% of the time. *SILENTLY farts* Yikes. Hehe. 

I also take my responsibilities super seriously in a LaidBackManner. 

YesVeryLaidBackIAM SoIAM. IWouldn’tWorrY. 

I have great communicational-al-al skills 

and I am fluently polite *snorts and grins his gritty teeth – there are no snowy trees* 

I can use E-mail. Blackberry me, pick me. Me-me-me-meh. 

*Murmurs* I am confident.

I believe in kindness, I have no faith however, 

so I am free 24/7, but Do Not phone me between the hours of 

8pm and 8am. Sleep is a ritual to me. 

… 

My strengths and my weaknesses?

… 

Well, my biggest strength is that I know my own weaknesses, 

and G-d, do I have so many. Don’t we all? 

I’m sure you’ve got many, hundreds even. 

I mean, look at you. *Opens eyes like a leopard* 

I’m sorry. I’ve not got my glasses. 

They’re like apricots without them.

Yes, apricots, fuzzy.

Okay. My biggest weakness, ahem. 

I am an accomplished truth-teller.

Elaborate? 

Well, I tell people what I think of them. Very easily. 

*Embarrassment fills his face, fluid red and fleshy pink*

You? 

Well, in my experience, 

similar people I have encountered, truly?

Honestly, they’ve been ——’s.

Well, thank you for your time. *Leaves, shaking his trouser pocket, relieving something concealed*

Nicholas Starkey studies English and Law at Strathclyde University and enjoys reading and writing poetry, occasionally writing short stories. He was published in issue three of Quotidian Magazine and has been published in online literary magazines such as The Fiction Pool. Nicholas also writes songs and performs at open-mic nights and gigs. Nicholas’s influences include Jack Kerouac, Alasdair Gray and James Joyce.

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